PsychCentral

               This one is for all those looking for help; and those looking to understand what a family member is going through.

               I have been on the PsychCentral (PC) website for about a week now, and I have nothing bad to say about it.  Even though it’s been such a short time, I have come in contact with very welcoming people.  Not all people on PC have depression; there are so many mental health disorders there.  The few people I have the pleasure to talk with have many different disorders but they are, nonetheless, supportive of everyone. 

               The people I have met have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), Bipolar Disorder (BP), Depression, and Anxiety.  There are so many more mental health disorders on PC that you can get support and help with; there are live chats and you can post on forums specific to your problem.  I have to say that I absolutely LOVE PsychCentral!  The best thing about it, for me, is that they don’t judge!  Judging is basically not an option on there. 

               I know that a big problem for some people with all the aforementioned disorders is the way people judge you.  It’s like talking about or mentioning your problem is taboo.  Taboo doesn’t exist at PsychCentral; it’s not in their vocabulary.  The problems you may have with your family or the outside world doesn’t really exist at PC.  There’s no judgment, no looking down on someone, no criticizing, no bad mouthing, nothing but good thoughts and kind words. 

               I won’t mention names, but the people I have come in contact with at PC are as nice as they come.  If you need help, they are there.  If you need advice, they are there.  If you need to be distracted or talked off the brink, they are right there with you.  Whether it is in the forums or in the live chat, you are NEVER alone.  That in itself is the best way to describe this site and these people. 

               I just want the people at PsychCentral to know how much they help and how much their input/opinions are worth. 

Website: www.psychcentral.com

Distractions

Speaking of distractions – this post follows a basic outline, but it waves a little – kept getting distracted.

                When you are feeling well distractions are not necessarily needed.  You don’t usually need to escape your own mind.  It’s when your mind is so full of useless information and useless worries that you need the distractions.  I know that stating what distractions you can use is evident; but like I’ve said before, saying and doing are two different things.  I was talking with my shrink about this and he gave me a few ways to actually distract myself. 

                The ideas my shrink gave me were focus on colors, sounds, or people.  The purpose behind the distractions is to focus your energy so that when something changes you come back to reality.  My shrink also said to set up a “calling plan”.  It sounds weird, I know, but here are the basics: get with someone who calls regularly and set up a plan that can bring you back to reality.  I chose my mom.  When my mood gets so far down I turn off my phone and hide away from the outside world.  If my mom calls and cannot get a hold of me she calls my dad who then makes me take the phone call.   It’s the little things that bring you back from the brink.  So far I’ve been lucky not to need it, but I know that when I do, she’ll be there.

                The other distractions – colors and sounds – are helpful too, but do not always pull you back to reality.  I know that focusing on sounds doesn’t work for me; I just end up tuning them out.  On the other hand, color does work for me.  If I focus on red and it turns blue I have to re-focus; and that brings me back – makes my mind work again.

                Other than those distractions, I write – as you can tell, – and I also color with colored pencils.  I know that both of those distractions take focus, and when you don’t have focus you can’t really do them, but that is exactly the point – to force yourself to focus.  Focusing on good stuff is what brings you back from the urge to hide away.  It also keeps you from thinking suicidal thoughts.  My suicidal thoughts aren’t because I want to die (because I don’t); they just come and go as they please.  I’ve come to think of them as another person entirely – I don’t know why.  I just try to push that person down and away.

                Not all distractions work for everyone; it’s just a matter of finding the one or two that suit you.

Stressors

               Different stressors can lead to depression.  Not one thing by itself, but stressor after stressor after stressor can send you into a depressed state.  Stressors can be money, roommates, work, school, health problems, medications, family, relationships, and so much more.  The important thing is to deal with the stressors as they come, not to keep them bottled up until you explode.  Now that I’ve said that, I realize that saying is easier than doing.  It amounts to the will-power that someone has.  My will-power for confrontation is very low.  I don’t like confrontation and I never have, at least confronting family members – I just can’t do it.

                The problems in life may not seem like stressors, but even the littlest thing that goes wrong can produce stress.  Medical issues can be a big problem, but the aftermath of the medical issue can cause even more stress.  For example: I have hypothyroidism.  The actual medical problem causes all the aftermath, so it is a stressor in itself.  With hypothyroidism comes bowel problems, hot/cold intolerance, racing heart rate, abdominal pain, eye changes, and more.  When I have any of the aftermath symptoms, I don’t think of the hypothyroidism – I think of just those symptoms.  I know what’s causing them, but my main concern is with the symptoms. 

                It is the same with “symptoms” of other stressors.  The money stressor can be caused by a lot of things, but you don’t think of them – you only think of having no money.  The work and school stressors could be caused by the people there, but you don’t blame work or school; you blame it on the people.  All of the stressors have aftermaths; you just have to realize what they are and deal with them so the actual stressor can be relieved or minimized.

                No stressor can be relieved completely, but you can find a way to minimize them. 

Today

     I've been trying to write posts that are about my view on depression.  Today I just can't seem to concentrate enough to write anything that would make a bit of sense.  As I'm typing this my eyes are closing and then I try to open them up to see if I'm typing correctly.  I guess it's a good thing I've had computer classes and I can type without looking.  I'm not going into a depressed state, it's just the heat - it's 107 degrees out there right now and it's almost 6:30 PM.

   Anyway, I'm done for the night.

Minute by Hour by Day

                I am continually amazed at how fast moods can change.  One minute I feel like laughing, then I feel like crying, then I basically feel nothing and then again my mood changes back to laughing.  It’s frustrating sometimes; no it’s frustrating all the time.  The mood changes don’t happen in an instant, it could be minutes, hours, or days.  It confuses people and they sometimes get weird-ed out, which in turns makes you feel even worse than you already do.

                The mood swings don’t only affect you.  It affects everyone around you; siblings, children, parents, friends.  I can see that the mood changes take its toll on my family.  It makes my son feel bad, he constantly tries to hug/kiss me, but I just don’t want to be touched.  It’s not his fault, but how is a four year old supposed to know that.  When I see my son is hurt by my mood it inevitably makes me feel worse.  I try to change my mood, but it’s just not that easy to go from depressed to laughing with only a thought. 

                Everyone says, “Just be happy”, but words are not actions.  I try to be happy, upbeat, and optimistic; but that doesn’t always work.  Depression isn’t just a state of mind, it’s an affliction.  Yes, sure, BEING depressed is a state of mind, but it is way more than that for someone with Depression.  Most people who get depressed have a trigger; money, relationship problems, work problems.  People with Depression don’t need triggers to be depressed, it just happens, and it doesn’t go away with a kind word from someone.  It happens at the most inconvenient times – not that there is a convenient time for it – and when it does happen it’s there for a while, it may fade/remit but it comes back and back and back.  It’s like you can’t ever get completely out of a depressed state of mind.

                It’s like that commercial with a black hole just waiting for you.  It sort of makes it seem like there’s something always with you – not a good something.  I guess a black hole is how I see – always there and endless.  I seem to always have one foot in and one foot out, almost perfectly balanced.  Wait, no – you can’t really be balanced if you have Depression, can you – a perfect balance would mean that you’re mentally healthy.  Depression afflicted people are definitely not mental healthy – I shouldn’t say that.  Some people with Depression are balanced, mentally healthy people – I am not, though.

                If I was mentally healthy I wouldn’t think about the things I do.  When I’m in a good mood my thoughts are all good; I play with my son, I eat every meal, I am up and awake.  When I’m in a depressed mood my thoughts are horrible; I have thought about what it would feel like to have a head on collision – with a car or a concrete pillar –, to drown, to overdose, and so much more.  I know that I would never follow through with those actions, but they come back EVERY time I get depressed. 

                The thoughts aren’t there because I think I am worthless or unloved; the thoughts are just there – out of nowhere – just like the mood.  I know I’m worth something to someone and I know I’m loved – I have my baby boy to tell me that.  The thoughts just come out of nowhere and it sort of makes me wonder. 

                I know that I have mood swings and they affect others besides myself, but they aren’t controllable.  I wish they were, but that’s not how this works.  Being aware of the mood swings and trying to overcome them is something to work on.  It won’t be easy or instant, but it’s worth it.

What's really on your mind?

What’s really on your mind?

            When you are so used to keeping things bottled up to the point of explosion, how do you just let it out?  I’ve come to realize that this is a concept that I am no good at.  I have better luck spilling my feelings to my dog than I do my family/friends.  No matter how much they push, they don’t get the full story or they get a complete lie from me.  A part of me wants to just scream at the top of my lungs, but another part of me just can’t do it because people would notice.  I don’t like the attention or the questions.  When I’m in the depressed mood, I just want to be left alone. 

            Even though I desire to be alone at those times, I’m finding new ways to get my feelings out there.  I try to write my feelings down, so my laptop has become my new best friend.  Writing seems to be helping me a great deal, but it’s not really a great substitute for a listener.  I do like writing things down, but there is a part of me that just needs the input from someone, the feel of someone actually listening.  The problem with that – with me – is that there are times that I can’t put my feelings into words while I’m looking at someone.  I don’t know if it’s the threat of them being disappointed or me not wanting to see the look on their face, but there are times that I just can’t voice my problems. 

           Voicing my problems is something that I’m working with my shrink on.  It’s not the only problem, but it’s a major one.  Being able to talk about it vocally is largely based on my confidence, which is very low.  I don’t have much in the way of confidence or self-esteem.  I don’t care what people think of me, but when it comes to thinking “I can do it” – I always think the opposite. 

         Like I said, I’m working on my self-esteem problems, but it’s not going to be anything near easy. 

Depression in Words

   I have been searching the internet for other blogs about depression.  I have found a bunch, but there is one that I like.  The blogger basically expresses what I cannot.  Below is part of a post from that blog.

   "...I know that as my mood deteriorates, I’m going to become more and more withdrawn and sluggish. I should be around people, I should eat more than the bare essentials to keep me alive. My sleep pattern is non-existent, which will add physical exhaustion to the mix. I will eventually have to start napping again because I won’t have the strength to lift my head off the pillow. And, as my life stalls yet again, I will be beset by self-loathing, guilt, intense loneliness and a general feeling of hopelessness. I think it was Gwyneth Lewis who said that depression feels like despair, but isn’t. There’s no cause, it just is, and that lack of cause … well, it’s the most depressing part of all.

     I know what you’re thinking. If she can feel it coming, isn’t there something she can do about it? Of course there is. Eat well. Resist the urge to hide myself away. Follow a daily routine; exercise; get counselling; take a hot shower; meditate. I’ve read the articles, the pamphlets, the books. They all say my temporary discomfort in taking care of myself is worth the alleviation of my symptoms. Of course, they’re right — when I finally haul myself back into the world is when I’ll begin to feel better. But I also know there’s no rushing or reasoning with me. Reason is for healthy minds; rushing is for people with a proper sense of and care for time. The word “should” does not stimulate action in the depressed; most of the time it only heaps guilt and frustration on top of an already fragile sense of self-worth. I have noticed that being aware of distorted and negative thoughts during these episodes does not make them go away. It’s like feeling lousy for a week, finally seeing the doctor and being told which virus you have. A diagnosis doesn’t make you well, suffering, treatment and recovery does. Sometimes, you just have to wait the damn thing out."

   I don't think I could have said what depression is like any better.  It really sucks when you know you're about to go downhill, the more you try to stop it the faster it gets worse.  I may not have days upon days of feeling down, but I go up and down so much that it's a manic cycle.  I think I've had at most three consecutive days of a depressive episode - usually it's one day down one day up.  The author of that blog is right, there are so many things you can do to keep yourself from a depressive episode, but it's easier said than done.  When you are about to go into a depressive mode you don't think about eating, hiding, exercising, or meditation.  Even your daily routines get sent to the back burner.  Eating isn't on the top of your list anymore, hiding just comes natural, exercising takes energy you don't have, and meditation requires focus that's obsolete.  It just comes down to letting the episode ride on it's own., and you'll feel better when you feel better.

Here's the link to the full post:
http://igetupagain.wordpress.com/2009/05/12/what-goes-up-must-come-down/

Suddenly

Suddenly I feel the need to cry for nothing!  My hands and legs won't stop shaking.  I can't stop staring at the razor and I don't know WHY!  I'm biting my fingers just to take my mind off it.  I know it will pass, but still.

Time elapsed---5 min.

It's odd how just typing something can calm you down...  My legs and hands aren't shaking anymore and I'm not biting my fingers because the razor doesn't matter. 

Oh - the razor thing - It's been 4 months since I cut myself.  I was hiding it, but it's not like anyone would have noticed it anyway.  Stuff goes un-noticed a lot around me. 

The Past Few Days

It's been a few days since I've been on here, and I just got the urge to get my feelings out there. 

     I've come to realize that my family has no idea what's going on with me.  I've known this, but it just sort of hit me  - like a ton of bricks.  My dad asks if I'm ok, and I say "yes" or "it's just one of those days", but it occured to me that he doesn't even know what "one of those days" even means.  To him, it's just a way of saying "I don't want to talk about it", but sometimes I do want to talk about it, but when I do he's always busy -- too busy to listen.

    I just feel like a burden sometimes.  My mom has enough to go through day by day and I don't want to put the fact that I'm not doing well on her plate.  My brother has his own life away from us, and even if he didn't he's not the best listener.  He just gets bored if it's not important to him.  I'm not saying that I'm not important, but he's just not good with sappy stuff, and when I start to talk I start to cry - I don't know why.

    It's getting harder and harder to concentrate on stuff.  I'm sitting here trying to write this and my eyes are blurring - going double - and I just stop moving.  I come out of it in a second, but it's happening.  It's not like I don't have stuff on my mind, it's just that what's on my mind sort of takes control and flies through my head - unstopable. 

     I just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm trying to find a job, to get out of the house more often, to get money to support my son and me.  There's just nothing available in my skill set.  

      ---see another concentration break leading to another subject.----

    I just have so many things running through my head that I can't express to anyone without feeling like a burden.  I know that I have a shrink for that, but I haven't seen him in about a month and a half.  I know that I feel better when I talk to him, but I sort of don't have the energy to go.   I wrote that and realized that is a lame excuse - so I just made an appointment for tomorrow.  No guarentee that I'll feel this way tomorrow, so there's a problem.  I really need someone to talk to when I feel like this.  Someone to express my - no matter how mediocre - thoughts to.  I just find myself thinking I'm alone sometimes, even though I actually have no privacy. 

    Adding to the alone feeling is that I feel like I'm stuck where I am and I can't get out.  I start college in August, but then I'll have 1-2 years of that and it seems like I can't even find a job to get myself out of debt.  I'm 24 and I should not be in this much debt.  I'm basically about $20,000 in debt and I can't get out if I can't find a job.  It just adds to the everyday stress of me.