Minute by Hour by Day

                I am continually amazed at how fast moods can change.  One minute I feel like laughing, then I feel like crying, then I basically feel nothing and then again my mood changes back to laughing.  It’s frustrating sometimes; no it’s frustrating all the time.  The mood changes don’t happen in an instant, it could be minutes, hours, or days.  It confuses people and they sometimes get weird-ed out, which in turns makes you feel even worse than you already do.

                The mood swings don’t only affect you.  It affects everyone around you; siblings, children, parents, friends.  I can see that the mood changes take its toll on my family.  It makes my son feel bad, he constantly tries to hug/kiss me, but I just don’t want to be touched.  It’s not his fault, but how is a four year old supposed to know that.  When I see my son is hurt by my mood it inevitably makes me feel worse.  I try to change my mood, but it’s just not that easy to go from depressed to laughing with only a thought. 

                Everyone says, “Just be happy”, but words are not actions.  I try to be happy, upbeat, and optimistic; but that doesn’t always work.  Depression isn’t just a state of mind, it’s an affliction.  Yes, sure, BEING depressed is a state of mind, but it is way more than that for someone with Depression.  Most people who get depressed have a trigger; money, relationship problems, work problems.  People with Depression don’t need triggers to be depressed, it just happens, and it doesn’t go away with a kind word from someone.  It happens at the most inconvenient times – not that there is a convenient time for it – and when it does happen it’s there for a while, it may fade/remit but it comes back and back and back.  It’s like you can’t ever get completely out of a depressed state of mind.

                It’s like that commercial with a black hole just waiting for you.  It sort of makes it seem like there’s something always with you – not a good something.  I guess a black hole is how I see – always there and endless.  I seem to always have one foot in and one foot out, almost perfectly balanced.  Wait, no – you can’t really be balanced if you have Depression, can you – a perfect balance would mean that you’re mentally healthy.  Depression afflicted people are definitely not mental healthy – I shouldn’t say that.  Some people with Depression are balanced, mentally healthy people – I am not, though.

                If I was mentally healthy I wouldn’t think about the things I do.  When I’m in a good mood my thoughts are all good; I play with my son, I eat every meal, I am up and awake.  When I’m in a depressed mood my thoughts are horrible; I have thought about what it would feel like to have a head on collision – with a car or a concrete pillar –, to drown, to overdose, and so much more.  I know that I would never follow through with those actions, but they come back EVERY time I get depressed. 

                The thoughts aren’t there because I think I am worthless or unloved; the thoughts are just there – out of nowhere – just like the mood.  I know I’m worth something to someone and I know I’m loved – I have my baby boy to tell me that.  The thoughts just come out of nowhere and it sort of makes me wonder. 

                I know that I have mood swings and they affect others besides myself, but they aren’t controllable.  I wish they were, but that’s not how this works.  Being aware of the mood swings and trying to overcome them is something to work on.  It won’t be easy or instant, but it’s worth it.