When you are so used to keeping things bottled up to the point of explosion, how do you just let it out? I’ve come to realize that this is a concept that I am no good at. I have better luck spilling my feelings to my dog than I do my family/friends. No matter how much they push, they don’t get the full story or they get a complete lie from me. A part of me wants to just scream at the top of my lungs, but another part of me just can’t do it because people would notice. I don’t like the attention or the questions. When I’m in the depressed mood, I just want to be left alone.
Even though I desire to be alone at those times, I’m finding new ways to get my feelings out there. I try to write my feelings down, so my laptop has become my new best friend. Writing seems to be helping me a great deal, but it’s not really a great substitute for a listener. I do like writing things down, but there is a part of me that just needs the input from someone, the feel of someone actually listening. The problem with that – with me – is that there are times that I can’t put my feelings into words while I’m looking at someone. I don’t know if it’s the threat of them being disappointed or me not wanting to see the look on their face, but there are times that I just can’t voice my problems.
Voicing my problems is something that I’m working with my shrink on. It’s not the only problem, but it’s a major one. Being able to talk about it vocally is largely based on my confidence, which is very low. I don’t have much in the way of confidence or self-esteem. I don’t care what people think of me, but when it comes to thinking “I can do it” – I always think the opposite.
Like I said, I’m working on my self-esteem problems, but it’s not going to be anything near easy.
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