The Past Few Days

It's been a few days since I've been on here, and I just got the urge to get my feelings out there. 

     I've come to realize that my family has no idea what's going on with me.  I've known this, but it just sort of hit me  - like a ton of bricks.  My dad asks if I'm ok, and I say "yes" or "it's just one of those days", but it occured to me that he doesn't even know what "one of those days" even means.  To him, it's just a way of saying "I don't want to talk about it", but sometimes I do want to talk about it, but when I do he's always busy -- too busy to listen.

    I just feel like a burden sometimes.  My mom has enough to go through day by day and I don't want to put the fact that I'm not doing well on her plate.  My brother has his own life away from us, and even if he didn't he's not the best listener.  He just gets bored if it's not important to him.  I'm not saying that I'm not important, but he's just not good with sappy stuff, and when I start to talk I start to cry - I don't know why.

    It's getting harder and harder to concentrate on stuff.  I'm sitting here trying to write this and my eyes are blurring - going double - and I just stop moving.  I come out of it in a second, but it's happening.  It's not like I don't have stuff on my mind, it's just that what's on my mind sort of takes control and flies through my head - unstopable. 

     I just don't know what to do anymore.  I'm trying to find a job, to get out of the house more often, to get money to support my son and me.  There's just nothing available in my skill set.  

      ---see another concentration break leading to another subject.----

    I just have so many things running through my head that I can't express to anyone without feeling like a burden.  I know that I have a shrink for that, but I haven't seen him in about a month and a half.  I know that I feel better when I talk to him, but I sort of don't have the energy to go.   I wrote that and realized that is a lame excuse - so I just made an appointment for tomorrow.  No guarentee that I'll feel this way tomorrow, so there's a problem.  I really need someone to talk to when I feel like this.  Someone to express my - no matter how mediocre - thoughts to.  I just find myself thinking I'm alone sometimes, even though I actually have no privacy. 

    Adding to the alone feeling is that I feel like I'm stuck where I am and I can't get out.  I start college in August, but then I'll have 1-2 years of that and it seems like I can't even find a job to get myself out of debt.  I'm 24 and I should not be in this much debt.  I'm basically about $20,000 in debt and I can't get out if I can't find a job.  It just adds to the everyday stress of me.