Zoning Out

                When you see someone just sitting and staring off into space, do you wonder what they are seeing, hearing, or thinking?  Well, it may be that they are not seeing hearing, or thinking anything.  For me, zoning out is a way to escape everything and sometimes it just happens.  When I’m feeling down or overwhelmed I’ll zone out, losing track of time and of what is going on around me.  Some people think that I’m listening or watching or just thinking things through, but when I zone out I hear nothing, see nothing, and think of nothing.

                Sometimes that what my life feels like; nothing.  I know that I have a lot to live for and people that love me.  I’m not saying I’m suicidal (although I do have those thoughts), this is just the way I feel sometimes.  When I get like this, I just need someone to pull me out of my slump.  I may hate my life and the way I live right now – but I don’t hate the people in it.  I love my family, my friends, and (most of all) my son, but that doesn’t stop me from hating everything else.

                I know that these feelings come and go, so I know that I’ll get over it at some point; it’s just that “some point” can’t come soon enough. 

Empty

Something’s wrong with you I see
Your eyes have turned a shade of empty.

--Carried Away by Shinedown


            Sort of feel like that right now. Empty.  I don't know what brings the empty feeling on, but I wish it would stop!  I was just playing with my son (Brydon), and I was happy.  I was the dinosaur and he was the hunter.  What really bugs me is that my happy feelings don’t last very long.  I get hot or tired and then I feel guilty because I can’t play with him longer.  I guess I would rather feel empty than guilty.  Neither of them are my feelings of choice – I would rather be happy. 

I would rather be a happy-go-lucky person who can play with her child!  Unfortunately, the fact is, I’m not.  My mood changes almost instantly, which I hate, and it can change about 10 times a day.  There are no tell-tale signs to my mood changes, either, they just happen.  I take my medication, all of it, and they still happen.  I just don’t know how to stop them. 

Have you ever been absurdly happy one minute and then just so low that your mind shuts off or thinks about not so nice things?  That happens to me almost every day.  There’s no one trigger to change my mood, either, it just does what it does when it wants to do it.  I know that some people can relate, and I feel sorry for them – as I feel sorry for myself.  My problem is with the people who can’t relate.  They don’t understand why your mood changes and they think they can fix it.  Guess what, it can’t be fixed.  If it could, none of us would ever feel like this again!

It amazes me how many people are ignorant about mental health issues.  I may not have an extreme disorder like Schizophrenia, but I do have Depression.  People think that Depression is just a state of mind; that you can pull yourself out whenever you want.  It doesn’t work like that.  Depression isn’t a state of mind; it’s basically a life style.  Everything you do has to be worked around your mood.  If I don’t feel like getting out of bed, then I’m not going to feel like talking to friends or going to an appointment.  It downright consumes you sometimes.

            It seems that my mind has wandered.  I guess that’s actually a good thing, because I’m not so empty anymore.  I’m actually getting a little anxious.  I don’t understand myself sometimes.  I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that my mood can change in the 10 minutes it takes to write this.  I guess that’s just another thing I’ll talk to the Shrink about.