FEELING GREAT!

     So, I haven't been on the computer or anywhere near it for a few days now.  I have been feeling great (as you can tell from the Post Title).  I am having a few palpitations (racing heartbeats) here and there.  I think it's from my Thyroid meds - too high.  It comes and goes - not too worried about it. 

      Oh, and I've been wondering if anyone really reads this thing.  I know a few people read it once but do they continue to read the new posts.  I wish I knew - but I don't.

    Anyway, I'm done for now.  Just wanted to tell (the invisible) people I have been feeling great. 

Bye!

Zoning Out

                When you see someone just sitting and staring off into space, do you wonder what they are seeing, hearing, or thinking?  Well, it may be that they are not seeing hearing, or thinking anything.  For me, zoning out is a way to escape everything and sometimes it just happens.  When I’m feeling down or overwhelmed I’ll zone out, losing track of time and of what is going on around me.  Some people think that I’m listening or watching or just thinking things through, but when I zone out I hear nothing, see nothing, and think of nothing.

                Sometimes that what my life feels like; nothing.  I know that I have a lot to live for and people that love me.  I’m not saying I’m suicidal (although I do have those thoughts), this is just the way I feel sometimes.  When I get like this, I just need someone to pull me out of my slump.  I may hate my life and the way I live right now – but I don’t hate the people in it.  I love my family, my friends, and (most of all) my son, but that doesn’t stop me from hating everything else.

                I know that these feelings come and go, so I know that I’ll get over it at some point; it’s just that “some point” can’t come soon enough. 

Empty

Something’s wrong with you I see
Your eyes have turned a shade of empty.

--Carried Away by Shinedown


            Sort of feel like that right now. Empty.  I don't know what brings the empty feeling on, but I wish it would stop!  I was just playing with my son (Brydon), and I was happy.  I was the dinosaur and he was the hunter.  What really bugs me is that my happy feelings don’t last very long.  I get hot or tired and then I feel guilty because I can’t play with him longer.  I guess I would rather feel empty than guilty.  Neither of them are my feelings of choice – I would rather be happy. 

I would rather be a happy-go-lucky person who can play with her child!  Unfortunately, the fact is, I’m not.  My mood changes almost instantly, which I hate, and it can change about 10 times a day.  There are no tell-tale signs to my mood changes, either, they just happen.  I take my medication, all of it, and they still happen.  I just don’t know how to stop them. 

Have you ever been absurdly happy one minute and then just so low that your mind shuts off or thinks about not so nice things?  That happens to me almost every day.  There’s no one trigger to change my mood, either, it just does what it does when it wants to do it.  I know that some people can relate, and I feel sorry for them – as I feel sorry for myself.  My problem is with the people who can’t relate.  They don’t understand why your mood changes and they think they can fix it.  Guess what, it can’t be fixed.  If it could, none of us would ever feel like this again!

It amazes me how many people are ignorant about mental health issues.  I may not have an extreme disorder like Schizophrenia, but I do have Depression.  People think that Depression is just a state of mind; that you can pull yourself out whenever you want.  It doesn’t work like that.  Depression isn’t a state of mind; it’s basically a life style.  Everything you do has to be worked around your mood.  If I don’t feel like getting out of bed, then I’m not going to feel like talking to friends or going to an appointment.  It downright consumes you sometimes.

            It seems that my mind has wandered.  I guess that’s actually a good thing, because I’m not so empty anymore.  I’m actually getting a little anxious.  I don’t understand myself sometimes.  I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that my mood can change in the 10 minutes it takes to write this.  I guess that’s just another thing I’ll talk to the Shrink about.

PsychCentral

               This one is for all those looking for help; and those looking to understand what a family member is going through.

               I have been on the PsychCentral (PC) website for about a week now, and I have nothing bad to say about it.  Even though it’s been such a short time, I have come in contact with very welcoming people.  Not all people on PC have depression; there are so many mental health disorders there.  The few people I have the pleasure to talk with have many different disorders but they are, nonetheless, supportive of everyone. 

               The people I have met have Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), Bipolar Disorder (BP), Depression, and Anxiety.  There are so many more mental health disorders on PC that you can get support and help with; there are live chats and you can post on forums specific to your problem.  I have to say that I absolutely LOVE PsychCentral!  The best thing about it, for me, is that they don’t judge!  Judging is basically not an option on there. 

               I know that a big problem for some people with all the aforementioned disorders is the way people judge you.  It’s like talking about or mentioning your problem is taboo.  Taboo doesn’t exist at PsychCentral; it’s not in their vocabulary.  The problems you may have with your family or the outside world doesn’t really exist at PC.  There’s no judgment, no looking down on someone, no criticizing, no bad mouthing, nothing but good thoughts and kind words. 

               I won’t mention names, but the people I have come in contact with at PC are as nice as they come.  If you need help, they are there.  If you need advice, they are there.  If you need to be distracted or talked off the brink, they are right there with you.  Whether it is in the forums or in the live chat, you are NEVER alone.  That in itself is the best way to describe this site and these people. 

               I just want the people at PsychCentral to know how much they help and how much their input/opinions are worth. 

Website: www.psychcentral.com

Distractions

Speaking of distractions – this post follows a basic outline, but it waves a little – kept getting distracted.

                When you are feeling well distractions are not necessarily needed.  You don’t usually need to escape your own mind.  It’s when your mind is so full of useless information and useless worries that you need the distractions.  I know that stating what distractions you can use is evident; but like I’ve said before, saying and doing are two different things.  I was talking with my shrink about this and he gave me a few ways to actually distract myself. 

                The ideas my shrink gave me were focus on colors, sounds, or people.  The purpose behind the distractions is to focus your energy so that when something changes you come back to reality.  My shrink also said to set up a “calling plan”.  It sounds weird, I know, but here are the basics: get with someone who calls regularly and set up a plan that can bring you back to reality.  I chose my mom.  When my mood gets so far down I turn off my phone and hide away from the outside world.  If my mom calls and cannot get a hold of me she calls my dad who then makes me take the phone call.   It’s the little things that bring you back from the brink.  So far I’ve been lucky not to need it, but I know that when I do, she’ll be there.

                The other distractions – colors and sounds – are helpful too, but do not always pull you back to reality.  I know that focusing on sounds doesn’t work for me; I just end up tuning them out.  On the other hand, color does work for me.  If I focus on red and it turns blue I have to re-focus; and that brings me back – makes my mind work again.

                Other than those distractions, I write – as you can tell, – and I also color with colored pencils.  I know that both of those distractions take focus, and when you don’t have focus you can’t really do them, but that is exactly the point – to force yourself to focus.  Focusing on good stuff is what brings you back from the urge to hide away.  It also keeps you from thinking suicidal thoughts.  My suicidal thoughts aren’t because I want to die (because I don’t); they just come and go as they please.  I’ve come to think of them as another person entirely – I don’t know why.  I just try to push that person down and away.

                Not all distractions work for everyone; it’s just a matter of finding the one or two that suit you.

Stressors

               Different stressors can lead to depression.  Not one thing by itself, but stressor after stressor after stressor can send you into a depressed state.  Stressors can be money, roommates, work, school, health problems, medications, family, relationships, and so much more.  The important thing is to deal with the stressors as they come, not to keep them bottled up until you explode.  Now that I’ve said that, I realize that saying is easier than doing.  It amounts to the will-power that someone has.  My will-power for confrontation is very low.  I don’t like confrontation and I never have, at least confronting family members – I just can’t do it.

                The problems in life may not seem like stressors, but even the littlest thing that goes wrong can produce stress.  Medical issues can be a big problem, but the aftermath of the medical issue can cause even more stress.  For example: I have hypothyroidism.  The actual medical problem causes all the aftermath, so it is a stressor in itself.  With hypothyroidism comes bowel problems, hot/cold intolerance, racing heart rate, abdominal pain, eye changes, and more.  When I have any of the aftermath symptoms, I don’t think of the hypothyroidism – I think of just those symptoms.  I know what’s causing them, but my main concern is with the symptoms. 

                It is the same with “symptoms” of other stressors.  The money stressor can be caused by a lot of things, but you don’t think of them – you only think of having no money.  The work and school stressors could be caused by the people there, but you don’t blame work or school; you blame it on the people.  All of the stressors have aftermaths; you just have to realize what they are and deal with them so the actual stressor can be relieved or minimized.

                No stressor can be relieved completely, but you can find a way to minimize them. 

Today

     I've been trying to write posts that are about my view on depression.  Today I just can't seem to concentrate enough to write anything that would make a bit of sense.  As I'm typing this my eyes are closing and then I try to open them up to see if I'm typing correctly.  I guess it's a good thing I've had computer classes and I can type without looking.  I'm not going into a depressed state, it's just the heat - it's 107 degrees out there right now and it's almost 6:30 PM.

   Anyway, I'm done for the night.